Note to Reader: This little story provides the opening to my book, "The Gifts of Cancer, A Meditation on Hope." It's a true story, and the only thing that has changed at this writing is that the time for A Circle of Friends appeared in 2004 and then disappeared in 2015. Such is the natural ebb and flow of all life. Things begin and then they end. Everything is impermanent. I hope you enjoy this little story of how my meditation group came to be, and I thank you for visiting! --Tanya Touchstone, 2017
In 1999, long before the World Trade Centers were attacked and ultimately fell, my own world was crumbling. My 15 year marriage ended and I was lost. I found I didn’t know who I was any longer, and two years after that, everything else ended, including old friendships and a new romantic relationship which had meant a lot to me. I found myself completely alone, very sad, very empty, and very lonely. This was new territory for me, and I presumed all was lost.
One Saturday afternoon, feeling very sorrowful, I decided to go to the bookstore and look for something, anything that might soothe my wounds.
I went to the spiritual section and quite literally crawled on the floor so that I might see all the books that were at the bottom of the shelves. I was looking for books that were different, and from every spiritual tradition. I was looking for answers, and I wanted to do this while building upon and remaining loyal to my own Christian foundation, not sure if this was possible.
I encountered names that were strange to me: Pema Chodron, Bear Heart, etc. I pulled those books from the shelf, and while doing so, I saw a name that was indeed strange and quite different. That name was Thich Nhat Hanh, and the title of the book was “No Death, No Fear.” For some reason it comforted me to find a name I couldn’t pronounce, and determined there was possibly something there. Perhaps this author would give me different answers as to what was happening to me and how to handle it. After purchasing the books by putting them on my already cramped credit card, I proceeded home and placed them beside my chair. I read for days. The books slowly started to change me and my thinking, and I learned that my ‘thinking’ was exactly the problem. I learned a new way of being, and I saw, through Thich Nhat Hanh’s careful, simple guidance, that I could embrace all teachings while at the same time deepening my own Christian roots. I was on to something, finally. I had needed to hear another voice - a voice that spoke in union with the Bible, and I not only heard that voice, but I heard him speaking to me about the fruits of my own Christian tradition, in a Vietnamese accent, and I knew I was home.
A few months later I ran across an ad stating that Thich Nhat Hanh would be speaking in Chicago. Something inside me stirred, and I knew I very much wanted to go. However, I had little to no money and my credit cards were full. Still, I knew I needed to be there. A little prayer was uttered, asking that if I were supposed to be there that a way be made.
I held my breath and went through the steps of charging a ticket to the event. The tickets were only $30, but at the time that may as well have been $1,000,000. The card accepted the charge. I was amazed! Then, I went through the same process for airline tickets. I found a special, “$35 each way to Chicago”! Holding my breath I entered my card number and it went through! Things were getting exciting now, and also scary - I did not know how I would get around in Chicago or where I would stay. I had never been to Chicago!
My co-worker, Anne, taught me about the train system and hostels. I was able to plan this trip at a cost of less than $150. I only ate once and walked everywhere the train would not take me. I was on a spiritual quest. I took myself, my backpack, and nothing else.
When I arrived in Chicago, I felt a deep sense of pride, because in the past I would have never gone to a new place like Chicago by myself. I had deep fears about such things. That may sound silly now, but those fears were quite real. I made my way to the hostel, checked in, and then walked to the train station. I was now on my way to the local University. Departing the train, I decided to have my one meal. I was halfway through the adventure, and it was time to eat. I then made my way to the University and sat under a tree in front of the auditorium, knowing I had a 7 hour wait. I was prepared to wait. I noticed a worker opening the auditorium, and I walked over to inquire -- I had wondered about restroom facilities during the 7 hour wait. He invited me in. I was grateful.
I noticed there was a line of people going into the auditorium, so with my newly found adventurous nature, I got in line! I was second row, center. I soon learned I had wandered into a special presentation the University was giving for a new student orientation … they would be giving an honorary degree to ... Thich Nhat Hanh for his peace work! Well!
Thich Nhat Hanh, or Thay (pronounced Tie, meaning ‘teacher’ in Vietnamese), made his way to the stage to accept the award. He incorporated walking meditation, which I had only read about in his books, and I watched him move slowly toward the stage, like a snail, to accept his honor. I had new understanding.
Later that evening, approximately 5,000 people entered the auditorium to hear him speak. I saw 10,000 shoes sitting by the front entrance of the auditorium and there was complete silence. On stage were 100 monks and nuns meditating, and in front of them sat Thich Nhat Hanh, inviting the bell of mindfulness and leading the audience in Mindfulness Meditation. The sound system was lacking that night, but the message was received, in thundering silence. It was about 10pm. I made my way several blocks to the train, and then walked six blocks to the hostel. Not once was I fearful. This was very new to me. I stayed up the entire night reading Thay’s books.
When I arrived in Nashville, even though I had been up all night and was really tired from the trip, I went to Radnor Lake and walked all the way around. I even went through the dark and once scary places I used to avoid.
As I looked out over the lake, I said to myself, “I’m starting a meditation group.”
I was able to get space at a local church for hardly any fee and I used my marketing skills to announce free meditation. At first there were three of us, and then the other two became infrequent due to schedules and travel challenges. For many months, and over a couple of years, I often sat alone in the space, and started to wonder if I was going in the right direction. My new friends, Eric and Bliss, sat with me now and then, but it was often just me. My other new friend Eric, the “other Eric” as we call him, encouraged me throughout to not end the group, because I had told him I was considering doing so.
Based on the other Eric’s encouragement, I continued. After a short while, I started to see people show up, and I changed some of the elements of the group, incorporating the fruits of all spiritual traditions, and I saw the group begin to blossom. A Circle of Friends blossoms to this day.
There is a teaching:
“When you lose something, it creates space, and then that space is filled, beautifully.”
This is what happened to me.
I had no way of knowing at the time that I was being prepared for something greater, a journey that would test my faith and my strength at the very core of my soul.